How Anxiety Shows Up In Relationships And What To Do About It
Anxiety can be a sneaky third player in relationships - planting doubt, triggered by the past, coloring otherwise neutral experiences - it’s important to be aware of these thought patterns as they creep up and have a plan to address them.
Here are some common ones to be aware of:
1. Overthinking
Anxiety loves jumping to conclusions. It’s our brain’s way of simplifying and protecting us from hurt, even when it might not be there. In relationships, this can look like:
Worrying your partner is mad, even if they haven’t said they are
Assuming you did something wrong without evidence
Replaying conversations to make sure nothing is wrong
The brain is just trying to protect us, but in some cases, these patterns may be doing more harm than good.
What helps: Check in with your partner and share your experience. “Hey, I’m worried something is wrong, but I’m not sure if that’s the reality — can you help me with your perspective?”
2. Fear of Vulnerability and Avoidance
Anxiety might be telling you to give up. “You’re too much” or “you’ll seem crazy” are inner thoughts that might come up. These may cause you to pull away for fear of being really known.
What helps: Start small. Open up a bit at a time to build mutual trust and understanding. Try: “Something made me feel anxious today — can I tell you about it?”
3. Controlling Behavior
Anxiety loves to be in control. It helps your brain and nervous system feel safe, but it can often be a false sense of safety that only leads to more pain.
This might sound like:
“Where were you? I called 3 times.”
“I need to know the detailed plans for the next 2 weeks.”
“I want to make sure everything’s perfect.”
This kind of thinking and behavior can cause both painters to feel exhausted and unappreciated.
What helps: Try focusing on what you can control. Try asking yourself: “what do I need today to feel safe and how can I provide that for myself?”
4. Difficulty Trusting
Anxiety is often rooted in past trauma. You experienced unpredictable love and connection as a child or in other relationships, so now it’s hard to trust when someone says they’ll be there for you.
What helps: Acknowledge where that fear is showing up for you and check if it’s rooted in experiences from this current relationship or the past. Therapy can help with this exploration as well as with starting to learn what a healthy relationship looks like instead.
Anxiety Is Hard, But You’re Not Broken
Anxiety in relationships is common. It doesn’t mean you’re “too much to handle” or “unable to love.” It just means you need to do some work to understand and plan for how to manage these feelings when they come up.
If you love someone managing anxiety - patience goes a long way. You don’t have to fix them and you don’t have to make their anxiety your own.
Remember: you don’t have to navigate anxiety alone. Reach out to a mental health professional to seek help if the above challenges resonate with you!
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