How Trauma Shows Up In Relationships And What To Do About It
So many of us have experienced trauma; whether that’s ‘big T Trauma’ like assault or war or ‘little t trauma’ like emotional neglect as a child, the manifestation of said experiences can often feel most intense in our romantic relationships. Below you’ll find some common ways this manifests and small actions you can try to ease the impact.
Emotional Flooding
Flooding feels like emotional overwhelm, often in response to a trauma trigger. In practice, it might look like a reaction out of proportion with the event. For example, maybe your partner forgets to pick up the milk you asked them to get and all of a sudden, a wave of despair washes over you. You might wonder what is happening or you might act instinctually and express your deep disappointment. It may be this reaction is rooted in past hurts in this relationship or others. Regardless of the root, it’s important to get the support you need to address it directly. Therapy may be needed in this case to address the underlying trigger.
Try: pausing for a deep breath. See if you can allow the emotion to come up, pass, and then act from a place of calm.
Isolating
Isolating is often a specific reaction to flooding. You may feel overwhelmed by some aspect of the relationship or even a specific moment in time and instead of talking to your partner about it, you withdraw. This might be because it’s hard to find the words or because it’s scary to say them. It may leave to unresolved wounds in the relationship that show up down the road.
Try: taking time and then coming back. It’s healthy to cool down when feeling flooded. Try coming back, even in a small way, to say “Hey, I felt really upset in that moment. Can we talk about it?”
Need For Reassurance
Instead of isolating, you may find yourself looking to your partner to soothe your heightened emotions. Sometimes when we’re triggered, it can feel really good to have someone else take care of those emotions, but if this is always the first response, you might be creating a level of unhealthy dependency in the dynamic.
Try: self soothing first, then asking for support. Take a walk, do some breathing, and allow your body to come back from the state of fight or flight. Then, talk to your partner and share your experience, making sure to ask first if they have capacity to support you in the moment.
When trauma shows up in relationships, it can feel isolating and overwhelming for both partners. You don’t have to experience these emotions alone, but you are responsible for how your actions impact your relationship.
If you or someone you love are struggling with unresolved trauma, there is help available - reach out to schedule a therapy consultation and get connected with resources that can help.
The content of this blog is for education purposes only and is not therapy or advice. Reach out to a licensed professional for specific support or call 911 if you are having a mental health crisis.
