When Supporting Your ADHD Partner Starts to Feel Like Carrying Them and How To Change That
You’re managing calendars, clocks and checklists for two and instead of connection in the relationship, you’re feeling resented and resentful. Your partner is shutting down and feeling inadequate and criticized. You’re drifting apart and not sure how to move out of this pattern because you both know that ADHD, while manageable, isn’t something that can be “cured.”
I see this pattern in my Phoenix, AZ based therapy practice often where I work with neurodivergent couples. Folks are in loving, connected, fulfilling relationships and want so much to make the connection last, but ADHD symptoms are getting in the way when it comes to the daily tasks of life together.
This is not a failure on either partner’s part! It’s a signal that some adjustment is needed for both partners to feel supported, seen and loved.
As the neurotypical partner, you likely have learned that accommodations for your partner are an important part of their ability to move through the world more effectively - and that’s true! The challenge sometimes becomes differentiating accommodation from managing, the latter of which creates hurt for both partners.
So what is accommodation?
Folks with ADHD commonly struggle with time and task management, organization, and memory. They are also often highly creative, intelligent, spontaneous, and many other wonderful qualities.
Accommodation should be designed to offer support in the areas that are challenging and bolster strengths. They should not include taking on all the work for your partner or turning into your partner’s manager. It’s important that accommodations be identified, planned, and participated in by both partners, rather than handed from one to the other.
Accommodations should feel empowering and loving for both partners. They should come from a place of mutual understanding and care.
What are some examples of good accommodation vs managing?
Time management
Good accommodation: creating a shared calendar with built in reminders where both partners contribute consistently
Managing: one partner keeping track of all appointments/events for both
Task management
Good accommodation: spending time together to create a breakdown of tasks into manageable pieces that are shared between both partners
Managing: delegating the same tasks to your partner over and over
Organization
Good accommodation: spending time together to make sure everything has a place and commonly needed items are easily visible
Managing: constantly reminding your partner where things are
Memory
Good accommodation: creating a shared document for important to remember information that both partners contribute to
Managing: keeping track of important information for both you and your partner
How to start to make these shifts
When the cycle of managing and shut down starts, it can be hard to get unstuck. Start by taking time to acknowledge the cycle, rather than blaming either partner. Deciding to unite as a team to find a different solution is an important first step.
There may be resentments and hurts that need to be processed in order to move forward. Approaching these conversations in a way where both partners are given benefit of the doubt and their strengths and contributions are genuinely acknowledged is critical.
The ultimate end goal likely shouldn’t be 50/50 division of responsibility, but rather finding a system where partners feel like they’re a team and the relationship is playing to both of their strengths.
If you feel like you need help diving deeper into this conversation with your partner, working with a couples therapist could be a good next step too.
You can book a free consultation to learn more about couples therapy for neurodivergent relationships - I’d love to connect you with the right person to support you in your journey!
The content of this blog is for education purposes only and is not therapy or advice. Reach out to a licensed professional for specific support or call 911 if you are having a mental health crisis.
Written by: Emma Beale, MA, LPC, Owner of Superbloom Therapy Services
