“We’re Speaking Different Languages:” Navigating Neurodivergent + Neurotypical Love
What are Love Languages?
The idea of Love Languages, popularized by by Gary Chapman, is that there are predictable ways people like to give and receive expressions of love. The way someone likes to express love may be different than how they like to receive it. Frequently, two people who love each other may be trying to express love, but in a way that isn’t landing with the other. When we can put clear language to expressions of love, then that miscommunication can be bridged and people can adapt their expression so that they can be better understood. Identifying love languages helps us do this.
The problem is, the book on Love Languages was written by and for neurotypical people. So what can we do if one or both people in the relationship is neurodivergent?
The neurodivergent community is helping educate the neurotypical community on what @Neurowild has called Neurodivergent Love Languages - similar, but unique ways of expressing love that often resonate more with neurodivergent folks. If you or your partner are neurodivergent, read on and see if any of these patterns show up in your relationship. If not, maybe give them a try!
How are Love Languages different for neurotypical (NT) people vs neurodivergent (ND) people?
According to Dr. Marschall, the common neurodivergent love languages include: Body Doubling, Info-Dumping, Penguin Pebbling, Spoon Swapping, and Deep Pressure.
Per Chapman (1992), neurotypical love languages include: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
There are some overlaps between the two, so I’ll review which equate and what the key differences are.
Body Doubling and Quality Time
For neuordivergent folks, connection is awesome, social pressure is not. Quality time for neurotypical folks might look like doing an activity together, chatting, or otherwise some kind of social engagement. For neurodivergent folks, sharing a space while engaging in separate activities provides that same feeling of connection, minus the social pressure. Win-win!
Info-Dumping and Words of Affirmation
Info-dumping refers to the loving act of sharing a passion. For neurodivergent folks, a hyperfixation interest is common and can be very exciting and fulfilling. Folks may be really excited to share these interests with those they love and it’s a sign of trust and connection if they feel free to do so uninhibited by neurotypical social pressures to pause or engage in conversational back and forth. On the other hand, a neurotypical person may look for positive and uplifting words about them, spoken by their partner. Things like “you handled that situation really well” or “I love the way you show up for your community” are examples of what neurotypical words of affirmation may sound like.
Penguin Pebbling and Receiving Gifts
Gifts are a way to show you care. For neurodivergent folks, there’s an added layer of deep interest that is highlighted by hyper-specificity of the gifts - often small things that say “I saw this and thought of you.” Called penguin pebbling as a call back to the way penguins bring each other rocks as signs of affection, this way of showing love is deeply personal and intimate. For neurotypical folks, some people may do the same and love this kind of gift giving. For others, it may be more about the size of the gesture or what the gesture says both to the receiver and the outside world. Surprises, grand gestures, etc may feel very loving and exciting to a neurotypical person, while they may overwhelm a neurodivergent person.
Spoon Swapping and Acts of Service
For neurodivergent folks, life can feel overwhelming quickly. Some folks talk about the idea of “spoons” as a way to illustrate the limited energy available in a day. Spoon swapping highlights the act of picking up a task your partner may feel too overwhelmed to complete. Again, this may look very similar in neurotypical folks, but neurotypical folks may also look for more grand gestures compared to small, specific acts.
Deep Pressure and Physical Touch
Physical touch can feel good to everyone, but often times, NT and ND folks have very different preferences. Because ND folks can be highly sensitive to soft touch, it can feel painful in may ways. For ND folks, deep pressure touch often feels much better. In contrast, for NT folks, a light caress can feel especially intimate and loving, while more deep pressure could feel overwhelming or suffocating. It’s important to ask for consent and communicate what feels good in a given moment!
How to bridge the gap in a NT/ND relationship
Bridging the gap between neurotypical and neurodivergent love languages is all about communication. The above listed are trends, but the reality for each person is different. Asking your partner about their preferences and sharing your own does a lot to reduce miscommunication and hurt feelings. It may be hard to understand the differences, but leaning into the knowledge that NT and ND folks have brains that are wired differently does a lot to create a bridge of care, if not direct understanding through lived experience. Often, the best way to love someone is in the way they can easily receive it!
If you and/or your partner find yourself needing support in Phoenix or Arizona, support is available. You can always reach out to schedule a complimentary consultation and understand your options.
The content of this blog is for education purposes only and is not therapy or advice. Reach out to a licensed professional for specific support or call 911 if you are having a mental health crisis.
Written by: Emma Beale, MA, LAC, Owner of Superbloom Therapy Services
