Some Signs Relationship OCD Might Be Showing Up and What to Do About It
What is Relationship OCD?
Relationship OCD (also known as ROCD) is a specific OCD theme that centers around romantic relationships. OCD wants us to find absolute certainty, so it will ask questions like “what if you don’t really love your partner” or “what if they’re cheating on you?” when there is no evidence supporting those fears.
It’s important to note that sometimes it’s normal to have doubts or fears in a relationship. If a partner is abusive, there is evidence of cheating, or it’s just not a good fit, it’s normal to experience anxiety around those things. ROCD is different in that it attacks otherwise perfectly healthy, strong relationships and the thoughts are ego-dystonic (therapy speak for not truly aligned with your values or what you believe when feeling calm).
What are some warning signs you or your partner may be experiencing ROCD?
The biggest warning sign for OCD is what we sometimes call “sticky thoughts,” which refers to obsessive thought patterns focused on a small handful of themes, one of which may be your relationship. The biggest things I see in my clinical practice is that these thoughts feel urgent, frequent, and often unshakable.
That’s where compulsions come in (warning sign #2). Compulsions are things you do that provide temporary relief from these thoughts. That could be things like checking your partner’s phone even though you don’t have a reason to think they’re cheating. That could look like asking for reassurance from your partner that they still love you even though nothing has happened to make you think they wouldn’t love you.
These things might make you feel better in the short term, but inevitably, the fears always come back. If you’re noticing patterns like this in your relationship, it’s important to consult with a mental health professional to assess if what you’re experiencing is OCD or something else. OCD can be sneaky and it’s important to seek support from an OCD specialist to get the correct diagnosis and treatment.
What to do if you think ROCD might be present?
First, approach with compassion! ROCD is not a weakness, effort to manipulate, or moral failing. It’s rooted in an overactive amygdala and sometimes triggered by past traumas. And it’s very treatable.
If you’re the person experiencing ROCD you might feel really critical of yourself for having these thoughts and you may also feel critical of your partner when you’re experiencing obsessions. This can be really exhausting, scary and isolating. Know that you’re not alone in this experience and that with the right support, you’re just as capable of a safe, loving relationship as anyone else.
If you have a partner experiencing ROCD, you might be confused by their hot and cold behavior. You might start to question yourself or you might start to want to push them away to protect yourself. You’re also not alone in your experience - it can be very confusing and destabilizing to be on the receiving end of these obsessions and compulsions. Know it has nothing to do with you and is just as scary for your partner.
The most important first step is a formal assessment with a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. They should use the Y-BOCS, which is the primary assessment for diagnosing OCD. From there, the standard of care for OCD is Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP). This helps break the obsessive/compulsive cycle of OCD. You may also benefit from ACT, I-CBT, medication management, or trauma work, depending on the details of your experience. With ROCD especially, couples counseling can be helpful to improve communication and make sure that patterns in the relationship aren’t reinforcing the OCD symptoms. In my practice, I notice that treatment is most effective when the person experiencing ROCD starts ERP therapy and then couples therapy is added not too long after. This helps support the individual in their growth, while also supporting the partner and the relationship as a unit.
Folks who receive proper OCD treatment often see significant improvement and reduction in symptoms. OCD isn’t who you are - it’s a misfiring of the brain that can be treated!
If you and/or your partner find yourself needing support in Phoenix or Arizona, support is available. You can always reach out to schedulea complimentary consultation and understand your options.
The content of this blog is for education purposes only and is not therapy or advice. Reach out to a licensed professional for specific support or call 911 if you are having a mental health crisis.
Written by: Emma Beale, MA, LAC, Owner of Superbloom Therapy Services
