When One Partner is Neurodivergent: Therapy Strategies for Couples with ASD or ADHD
What does neurodiversity look like in romantic relationships?
Neurodiversity is a term that includes both Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) and Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), among other diagnoses. While being what many loving refer to as “neuro-spicy,” can be a strength in many ways, it does often present unique challenges in a romantic relationship, especially when one partner is neurotypical.
According to He (2024) and Stafford (2023), for both ADHD and ASD, mismatched emotion regulation patterns, sensory needs, and communication styles are common challenges that emerge. This might look like reactivity, mismatched desires in intimacy, and misunderstandings rooted in differentiated emotional expression and interpretation.
For example, a neurodivergent partner may focus more on the words and meaning of what they are trying to communicate, while a neurotypical partner may focus more heavily on tone, body language, and non verbal queues. This may lead to misunderstanding and hurt feelings if both partners are not properly informed and aware of the others’ needs. Similarly, a neurotypical partner may be more inclined to assume their partner is able to read their non verbal queues, while a neurodivergent partner may be challenged and upset by this expectation.
Can couples therapy help?
Many couples benefit from counseling to strengthen communication, resolve conflict, and deepen connection. According to Stafford (2023), working with a couples counselor who is informed about neurodiversity can be a big advantage and predictive of therapeutic outcomes for couples where one or both partners are neurodivergent.
The therapist can help by first providing education. Helping both partners express their needs, communication patterns, and ways of seeing the world can neutralize some of the animosity that may have built up around miscommunications. Building on this, the therapist may be able to deepen knowledge for both people in the relationship around the key differences between neurodiverse and neurotypical functioning, both in relationships and individually.
Next, therapeutic work may move into skill building around building a shared framework for communication, planning, and conflict resolution that works for both parties. He (2024) suggests things like pre-set reminders for the neurodivergent partner to express appreciation for their partner. This may also include grounding tools for both parties when they are upset, scheduling tools to stay on the same page, and taking timeouts to reduce overwhelm and overstimulation.
What can my partner and I do now?
The Gottman’s, leading experts on romantic relationships, share some practical tools on how to successfully manage a relationship in which one or both partners are neurodivergent. In “Two Brains in Love: Conflict Resolution in Neurodiverse Relationships,” they say some of the best ways to build a strong relationship for neurodivergent partners include:
Understanding and honoring differences
Making an inventory of common sticking points and making a plan of resolution before tensions rise
Improving clear, non-defensive communication
Understanding sensory issues and how they show up
And practicing timeouts
In my clinical experience, neurodivergent relationships can be some of the most beautiful and rewarding when both partners are committed to seeing, understanding, and respecting the way each others’ brains work. They say two heads are better than one and that’s especially true when there are two unique ways of seeing the world, lovingly combined.
If you think or know that you are in a neurodivergent relationship and are running into some challenges like the ones discussed above, know that you are certainly not doomed and that with the right support, there may be especially beautiful things ahead for you and your partner.
If you are in need of support, you can always reach out to schedule a complimentary consultation and understand your options.
The content of this blog is for education purposes only and is not therapy or advice. Reach out to a licensed professional for specific support or call 911 if you are having a mental health crisis.
